bb's memories

條路很難行。路係自己選擇。。。要撐住。。。要忍。

it was just yesterday that some doc pointed out to me that I had a thyroid lump. then hours later it was confirmed by another doc. the initial shock is starting to pass away and things are slowly sinking in. I am trying really hard to mope and not show it. it dun help that I am still sick. hopefully this last book I read will keep me in dreamland for a bit until reality blends into my head a bit more

my 10 days in LA was soooo stress-free.. well after I landed in LA anyways (getting there was hell). the most stress-free that i have been for 2 or more years now. I have been back 3 weeks now but it seems like my vacation was ages ago. I guess it doesn’t help that i am going back to work soon and suddenly my to do list is endless (though I scraped up 2 hours for me to eat and relax today)
last week was tremendously horrible… throwing my mom into the equation resulted me bawling late at night. but hey that is life. u cant chose who ur parents are… so u just gotta live with it… some how… some way. good luck to me. super good luck to me next week when i gotta get up at 6 to get those z’s packed up and me go to work looking like a beauty. lol. at least not my Sunday look. I will need some luck and hopefully I can hold my composure and smile. good luck to myself again. I can do this… yes I can. I have to. sigh.

I got the three little piggies… two here
figured out that was some sort of wind and house
that looked like a walking fire
and my thoughts stopped there

the answer was “wolf” @@

Beckham
via ‘draw something’
except … dumee couldn’t spell Beckham correctly!

enough said… time to sleep or I’ll be damned

the sound of snoring used to bug me… especially when I can’t sleep at night. but now I have changed. the sound of snoring can be music to my ears… lol. it just depends who is producing these sounds. from Zach… I am damn happy to hear him snoring which means he is deep asleep and I can finally rest a bit. it took over and hour to get him to sleep tonight, of course with this spring time change. it does not help just me bit!

this is the second consecutive night where I am tired but can’t sleep. last night I thought it was the coffee that kept me up until 3 am. I think I am getting withdrawls from my nice 8 days straight of stress-free-ness LA vacation. and I miss the glowing sunshine. and been dealing with grouchy z and fussy Zach. and the other things that I will just keep in my head for now.

life really doesn’t get any easier than before. suck it up is what I keep telling myself. I chose this path. lol. I am already pretty lucky tho I have to admit. tho everything including this luckiness comes with consequences. one thing I learned well was everything came with consequences. this of course helped me get to where I am now… but often I do ask myself… do I think a tad too much? what if i was a bit more “brave” aka reckless? how would things be? but of course I am just gonna bury this thought because I got two zs to look after now… I think I will be sticking to the more conservative side of things. but of course it doesn’t stop my head from wandering off and day dream. what if… what if… and what ifs.

I am no doubt that I am still sadden that I lost a friend. on the surface.. I haven’t. tho there were some absolutely insanely whacky times but I guess it just shows that the bond we had was just exaggerated. oh well. life goes on.

those five words have been used quite frequently by me lately. from new manager at work. worrying about layoffs at work. dealing with my mom. dealing with kids. dealing with fam issues. dealing with relationships issues… dealing with myself. the list definately doesn’t stop there.

depite just coming back from vacataion (which I can hopefully blog about it soon) I am a bit sad.
it is one of those topics where I don’t want to state the problem loud and clear… yet rather leaving it inside the black box inside of me. yet I do need to talk about it or it will just contribute to my lost of sleep at night.

so the problem I have is sort of being hit by reality. reality of how another person is because of how that person is not paying attention to the finer details that I think is important… it doesn’t have a direct impact but it is starting to collect and snowball onto me. yes… I am very bothered by it and no I have told that person yet cuz it will provide pressure on that person and obviously it is a negative comment. I understand that the big picture is important to the set goal… with meanwhile there are the crucial daily life items to get done… but there is a tad more. it is starting to come to the point where I think if i don’t say anything soon… it won’t do anyone any good soon. my other option is always to change myself. to not only to accept this fact of reality but I must embrace it. I don’t know. I am not confident in myself if i can express this problem clearly… or at least what is bothering me and let the other person figure what to do instead.  sometimes life sucks. it moves on… but I don’t want this gap widening even more where we distant off even more.